Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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