clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
