I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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