There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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