When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. đ
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
how do you say âi know we havenât hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayâ without coming on too strong
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