hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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