I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
