All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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