I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
