last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In other news, I just burned my penis
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
