I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.