He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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