so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
