just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
