don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
