watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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