I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
