my room smells like sperm. sweet.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
