yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
