I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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