i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I want a musical about memes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
