Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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