I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Randomize
