call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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