She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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