I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
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went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
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It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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