No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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