you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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