he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
