Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
