as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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