I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
