Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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