Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
