Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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