Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
