I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
