Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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