my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
