Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
