My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
