I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
