i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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