Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
