1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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