If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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