i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
