At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
