pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
