and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
