well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
