Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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