Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
