I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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