My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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