Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
