I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
