I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
